Saturday, August 28, 2010

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Fantasy World Report by Clarke Benson Macbeth is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 Unported License.

Saturday, June 27, 2009

Citras Go Extinct!

Citras, the world's first artificially-created species of animal, were released into the wild just a decade ago, showing no damage to the indigenous species. Now, though, they are nowhere to be found. The last Citra has officially died. They were given protection under the Endangered Species Act a year ago, when their population was extremely low. Back then there were only 20, but now none remain.

Citras were a genetically-created animal to study the genetic traits linked to homosexuality. They proved to the world that people were born gay. They were genetically created to be gay. Much of this was done through private funding, and a plethora of companies from all sides of the political spectrum pitched in and called this the New Genesis Project. This was also the group that later created the first anthropomorphic "furry," a dog with white fur named Henry. However, the federal government also provided funding from the taxpayers (via the American Recovery and Reinvestment Act), and because they used laboratories from the National Science Foundation, were going to get the credit for the species.

The results concluded that homosexuality, for the most part, is genetic. However, many right-wing political groups felt threatened by the results, and the project was going to be scrapped altogether. Many of the animals were going to be euthanized, until they were all found missing the next day. They were all headed to the nearest forest for safety, and it is there where the defective "straight" citras multiplied, keeping the population relatively stable. However, this was done in vain, as they also carried some part of the gay gene with them, causing a massive decline in population. It was hard for many of them to find food, as they went into empty houses to get most of it. It was later found that they were using their citrus fruits as a medium of currency. The value, however, was volatile when compared to the more-stable US Dollar, Euro and Great Britain Pound, since it was largely based on survival status and the object desired.

A religious organization tried to prove the result false and bought there own citra for research. They claimed that the citra could become straight by a change in attitude and lifestyle. However, their attempts failed miserably. When they were pressuring the citra, it became violent, nearly killing one man. They concluded that the homosexuality was "hard-wired into the creature to an extent beyond that which would be found in nature under normal circumstances."

Many scientists look no further than their sexual orientation as the cause of their demise. "It's very clear that if a large percentage of the population will not breed properly, it will not be sustainable," said biologist Danette Hedman. "It's a basic rule of evolution." "There were, in fact, straight citras out there. However, when over 90% of them are gay males it put the straight and female citras under tremendous reproductive pressure," said Adam Wan, a zoologist that headed the New Genesis Project, "It was very unlikely that they were going to find a straight partner and breed new citras. Evolution was not on their side."

The last citra's body, a male, was found dead in an orange grove in Florida. It will be taxidermied and sent to the Smithsonian. Although no citras have been found in the last month, some biologists claim that the call may be premature. "There could still be a citra or two left in the forest that we may not know about, and further investigation needs to be done before calling off a species like that." However, to date there have still be no claims or sightings of another citra. "Even if there was, it's likely to be a homosexual anyway, and if there was a female, they're likely to be so spread apart that they would never survive," said David J. Hayes of the Department of the Interior.

However, this does not conclude the story of the citra. "We still have the DNA as well as the sequences in the laboratory. We are able to make a clone of both male and female citras. We can also alter the DNA to make them more straight and therefore keep the population stable," says Wan.

Even if there isn't another generations of citras, they will have historical importance. Despite the bioethics controversy, many will point to the citra as the first animal to prove that homosexuality can be genetic. Also, although they were largely based off of the Red Fox, they were also the first species "created" by man, which is a remarkable achievement. They will always be a hallmark of the New Genesis Project's first success, and one of their greatest achievements.

Wednesday, April 8, 2009

AT&T Sues Clifford

Bridwell Island (FP) - It seems now that Clifford, one of the more responsible of the giant creatures, has stepped in hot water for the first time ever. To date he has not crushed any cars or damaged any houses. However, most Bridwell Island residents have suffered a recent cell phone outage for all GSM carriers, mainly T-Mobile and AT&T. CDMA carriers such as Verizon and Sprint have not been affected. Both T-Mobile and AT&T have claimed that there was vandalism at the site and that they were not directly responsible. Now AT&T alone has done studies on the shared tower and now blame the island's mascot, Clifford, to be the sole perpetrator. They demand over $3 million in settlements or to have the dog euthanized with no third option. "This is another example of corporate politics gone horribly wrong," claims Politico analyst, "They know that the City of Bridwell Island wouldn't let the dog die, but they're willing to put his life at stake over damages that they can more than afford." The experts weren't the only ones outraged.

"This is an outrage," said Emily-Elizabeth Howard, who owns the dog. "It's not his fault. He didn't know that the tower was privately owned." Her parents are set to testify in court, with lawyers paid in part by the Humane Society. Animal rights activists will also be ready to testify with their own law studies. Organizations such as the Center for American Progress, Greenpeace, Moveon.org, Harvard College and the ACLU are siding with Clifford and will be at the hearing.

Henry, an anthropomorphic dog with snow-white fur from Minneapolis, has interpreted Clifford's side of the story using animal telepathy. "He's very upset and guilty when I told him how important the tower was. He wishes he could help out in repairing the equipment but when I told him about the lawsuit he started to freak out. He's done community service for many years, most notably his aid with the offshore windmills that power most of the island, and knowing that he can do nothing about it is very troublesome." He also told us that he, too, would help search out legal documents and will be one of the lawyers, although he is prone to becoming violent. "There's one thing you press guys should quote right here and right now: nothing is going to happen to Clifford or his family. We are united in this effort and we will make them suffer. If we can get through with the countersuit then I can finally avenge the death of my girlfriend once and for all." The fire in his eyes tells us that he is not kidding.

Saturday, April 4, 2009

House of Mouse to close down

It turns out that major clubs in Toontown are not immune to the recession. After the recession started and many of the cartoons started losing their jobs, the club lost popularity among the villains for not serving any alcohol. Many referenced a classic Disney cartoon at a bug getting drunk as a reason for their complaint.

After losing nearly 1/2 of their customer base, they had to cut costs by switching to florescent bulbs and going back to using a projector instead of a plasma display. To attract new customers they tried playing more suggestive music and lowering the prices of their menus and removing their "exclusive" label by getting rid of reservations. All they did was get cartoons from a lot of forgotten characters like Pepper Ann, Fluppy Dogs, Doug and Recess. This was not nearly enough to make up for their loss. They were not able to cross company borders beyond MGM's All Dogs Go to Heaven because they still had negative views about the club.

They were almost done with paying off their loans for building. They were smart enough to get a low fixed-interest loan. However, with the rising cost of energy and bealth care they were starting to run behind on their profit margin. They decided to switch to LED lighting to lower their energy costs even further. Then a rumor started that the House of Mouse was going to lower the quality of their food, a key factor the started its popularity.

Even when they decided starting serving alcohol, things went wrong. They lost their sound for more than two weeks. It cost upwards of $20,000 to upgrade. Despite this, they knew it would be cheaper than repairs. "Oh dear, if we start having more problems we may lose all of our reserve cash," said Minnie, assistant manager.

Donald was outraged when they finally told him about their financial problems and he outright quit. Despite saving on labor costs, many of the customers were furious about losing their favorite mallard. Scrooge and various characters from Duck Tales were no longer eating at the place. "I'm no longer investing in a failing business," yelled Scrooge, "I learned that mistake before, and I won't do it again!"

After losing their chief investor, the House of Mouse filed for bankruptcy. Mickey then proposed that they purchase a clubhouse somewhere in rural Florida. "Sorry, boys, there's nothing more that we can do."

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Sonic the Hedgehog reporting digestive problems

According to the Medical Science Monitor, Sonic will not be attending any more video game shootings for the rest of the year. Toontown Medical Center has reported having really bad gas and bleeding in the colon. Although they wouldn't tell us why, Fantasy World Report suspects it may have to do with his compulsive consumption of chili dogs.
"All he ever eats is that stuff. I knew problems would come around sooner or later," said Knuckles, his second-best friend and sidekick. "Tails has a more balanced diet. He's an omnivore as well. He usually eats more berries and fruits, drinks more milk and has less-processed meat because he's a fox. He also puts more cheese on his chili dogs, too. You really have to focus on getting that well-balanced diet. That's how I keep strong."
Sonic was not able to comment, but many of his friends wish him well.
"We know it's not serious or anything," said Tails, Sonic's best friend, "He should be back by the beginning of next year. I warned him about this."
The Medical Science Monitor concludes that Sonic will not suffer any long-term damage from this, but he will need time to recover. His treatment may involve surgery, after that he will need therapy.
"Oh, man," said Sonic, "Who knew something so good could cause so much pain?"

Friday, March 27, 2009

First Post!

Thank you for viewing my first-ever far-out blog. So, what is Fantasy World Report? What does it sound like? It's a news site!

So, what are we all about? Fantasy World Report reports an all that is unreal. We are what you'll never see. We report on all things fictional: Superheroes, cartoons, even some of your best novels. We'll report on all things that are happening in the realm of imagination.

The realm of imagination is what it sounds like. Everything that everyone's ever thought of ends up here. Most of it's on Fantasy Earth, and as you'd imagine the planet would have to be quite large. I'd do a map, but one important thing to note: there are several Toontowns. There's one in New York, California, South Korea and Japan. The biggest is in California, they have HUGE imaginations there.

So I hope you all enjoy this site and all of its hilarity! Oh, that's right, I forgot: we're mostly comedy. Have fun and see ya real soon!

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